Every year after I realized I’maroace (3 years ago) I’ve written an aspec poem inspired by a Christmas song for the start of December and this is this year’s poem! I was inspired by the song “My grown up Christmas List”. The photo has nothing more to do with this than it’s a photo of my cat when I decorated my house for December this week.
Do you remember me I sat upon your knee I wrote to you with all my wishes, dreams & fantasies I had a vision of how my future was going to be
Well I’m all grown up now I’m the same but now I know It’s not me who needs to change Instead, trying to renew my perspective on everything
I’m aroace and yeah it can be hard to accept sometimes But my heart still can dream For both myself and others in need Here is my aspec Christmas list!
For all aspecs to know and learn: You’re not broken but good as you are! You’re valid and there’s nothing wrong with you
For aspecs to be less invisible For aros to not be forgotten anymore For more diverse representation
No more fear of loneliness Everyone would have a QPR or one or plenty of friends
Ace & aro community to be seen and recognized over the world Everyone would have the right to be who they truly are inside
There doesn’t need to be something wrapped under the tree The greatest gift of all is when we validate each other’s humanity
I’m all grown up now I’m the same but now I know It’s not me who needs to change Instead, trying to renew my perspective on everything
I’m aroace and yeah it can be hard to accept sometimes But my heart still can dream For both myself and others in need Here is my aspec Christmas list!
The anthology “This Arab is Queer” edited by Elias Jashan.
Currently reading: “This Arab is Queer” edited by Elias Jashan
Yes I’m still reading this anthology and I thought I was going to finish tonight but thing is… I have to make a pause in between many of these stories. They’re really touching my heart.
Like for example the story with the precious title “Then Came Hope” by Madian Al Jazerah, a Palestinian gay man telling his story about being negated everywhere because of his identity – but still in the end I can see that there’s room for hope.
A quote that I’m taking with me from his story:
“ Kuwait, the country where I was born, negated me when Palestinians were thrown out after the Gulf War. As a Palestinian I am negated every day a I have no rights to my heritage and no access to my history. Zionism is trying to wipe me off the map. As a Muslim, I am negated because I am seen as a sinner. I grew up hearing that God quakes in his throne every time a homosexual walks past. As a man I am negated every day because I am not manly enough.”
He writes that he’s also negated by his own mother. He asks him, with tears in her eyes, if he’s a top or bottom (not in those words but it’s what she means) and Madian reflects on the bitter fact that being a bottom is always considered to be the most shameful thing. He also writes sadly: “The only question my mother has about my entire love life […] is related to this single s**ual act.”
This touches my heart because it makes me think of how we have the same problem as Christians in evangelical churches. In Sweden. I wrote a blog post not long ago reacting to my old church community EFK (which I’ve now have left) and how they put a lot of work into a report about the view on same sex relationships where they also were focused on this s**ual act and how to interpret the biblical texts about it.
Makes me think of how important it is for queer people of faith (and allies of course) to support each other and give hope to each other, and stand up for each other, no matter which religion we belong to we’re in the same fight for validation, respect and dignity.
Elias Jashan who edited this book was interviewed on the YouTube channel Queers of the World about it and I’m sharing a link to the video down below:
I’m reading the book “I am ACE” by Cody Daigle-Orians. They’re also known as Ace Dad Advice on social media. Their affirming messages meant a great deal to me when I realised I was ace and came out a couple of years ago.
“Part of what’s awesome about embracing your asexuality is the permission to reject dominant cultural norms. You take the first step when you say, “I’m ace.” You reject norms when you say, “I’m ace”. Once you take that leap, the next one is easy. You can reject what a “good s** life” is and redefine it for yourself. You can toss out the old menu and write your own.” – Cody Daigle-Orians “I am ACE”.
Reading Ace Dad’s book and reflecting about this. About redefining everything and begin to write your own menu. It’s not that easy, after all 😌 it takes a lot of strength and I’ve gained a whole lot of respect for other queer people as well, going through this experience.
I’m thinking about how I took that leap a couple of years ago. When I realized that there wasn’t something wrong with me – I’m just ace! I took that leap of coming out. I still think of it often, how I nowadays don’t hesitate but can say openly to people: “I’m asexual. I’m aromantic.” Even though they might not be aware of what those things are and there can be misconceptions I still don’t hesitate, but say it out loud.
For other people, this might not be such a big deal. I’m aware of that and I respect that. But every person has their own kind of challenges. And this has been one of mine.
The biggest part is to redefine everything in your own head, at least it has been for me. It’s not what I say out loud that is the biggest part, it’s how I think of my own life – the perspective I have. But it IS also a big step to put it into words, embrace the identity and come out.
And to say out loud: “I’m asexual”.
Soon I’ll say it even louder in a more public way and I’m sitting here reflecting on it. Am I really ready? What will happen to me when people start having their opinions?
But I know I have to do this for my own sake. For strengthening myself. And I am actually very proud of myself. 😌 I know from my own experience that it’s not the easiest thing to come out as ace and to be a proud ace person. I’m feeling very fragile. But at the same time I’m actually feeling pretty strong.
Feeling so proud to be aroace right now. ☺️ And to have come so far in my journey of validating myself.
I met a man I know at the bus. He said that he and his wife had realized before even I did that I had this journey ahead of me. They might not have thought it to be aroace back then, but he said: “We saw it on you that you didn’t like guys.”
I’m thinking of what my good friend @proudfetishist said once – if I’d like for “aro” to be written on my forehead so it’d always be visible. Maybe my queerness IS visible, for those who are open enough to see it.
At least I’m proud of having opened my eyes myself. Now I can see myself in a whole new perspective. And finally I’m proud of myself.
The pastors Jonas and Lasse who I look up to so much.
I’m at Stockholm Pride this week (yaay!) but before I got here I was at an event with a couple of days of community with the Swedish Christian LGBTQIA+ group EKHO. I’ve been a part of this group since around 2015 when finally I decided to leave a church I worked in as a youth pastor, because I couldn’t stand the view on LGBTQIA+ people. They gave me the hope that it’s possible to be LGBTQIA+ and also an affirming ally and still be Christian. 😌 When I came out as aroace a couple of years ago they were also very welcoming and I love being a part of this community.
During these days we’ve had many things: queer Bible study (where I realized that Ruth must be a true aromantic hero! 😍), sharing life stories for example from a person who used to be a leader in the Salvation Army but had to leave because he wanted to include queer people and also found himself being a part of the queer community along the way. We also prayed together.
In this photo you can see two pastors: Jonas and Lasse. They mean so much to me as role models and they have so much to tell from their life of being open gay, Christian and pastors.
If you’re a queer person of faith who has been mistreated by church or any other religious community you’ve been a part of remember that you’re LOVED. By God and also it’s possible to find a loving community of other believers. And if you’ve decided to leave the religion behind because your heart – just remember that it was never your fault and I hope you can find a community where you can heal. ❤️🌈🏳️⚧️🏳️🌈
I really want to say: All you *** repulsed aces! You’re so precious and I so happy you’re here.
You’re here, you’re queer. You’re valid.
I’m not really that kind of ace myself. But I’ve learnt so much from you how to embrace my own kind of asexuality. Meeting you, listening to you and to see your pride is one reason why I own ace heart has started to heal.
You don’t always feel welcome and celebrated in queer spaces and even can feel left out in aspec spaces. I know that and I’d like that to change.
You are so beautiful! And of course – we all aces are. Our community is beautiful in its diversity.
Quote from the book “I am ACE” by Cody Daigle-Orians, known on social media as Ace Dad Advice
I’m reading “I am ACE” by Cody Daigle-Orians who is also known as Ace Dad Advice on social media.
This chapter is about coming out. They’re very clear in the beginning of the chapter that you don’t owe to anyone to come out. If you choose not to come out to anyone about being asexual or any queer identity that’s totally valid and it’s up to you.
But they also shares his thoughts about why they think it can be very meaningful to take that step and to be open about it. First of all that it can be empowering for yourself but also because it can mean something for others.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot, too. I’m a very open person and I decided very early in my process of understating myself as aroace that I wanted to come out. I was tired of not being able to express myself and my feelings, I guess. I was tired of my perspective being invisible. Something like that.
But I’ve also thought about that it could be important for other people to take that step and understand themselves and maybe think it’d be possible for them too to come out.
The decision to come out is totally up to you and should not be for any other reason than for your own sake, and it’s important to feel safe, that’s what I believe to be true. But if it can make it a little bit more possible for someone else to accept themselves and be open about who they are – that’s a beautiful thing, right?
Please feel free to share your thoughts about this. ☺️ And remember you’re valid whatever you decide to do. Every journey is unique and don’t have to be the same.
It’s some time since I heard about the Carnival of Aros where aromantic bloggers write about a theme every month, and I’ve been wanting to participate ever since but haven’t until now. I think it’s partly because English is not my native language so I’ve been feeling a bit insecure (you’ll have to keep that in mind if you find some weird grammar or something) and also because I’ve had an idea that there needs to be written about aromanticism in Swedish. But now I feel I’m willing to try! And I’ve written this text with reflections on the topic ”Being aromantic in an allonormative world”. This month is hosted by aspecs-positivity and the link to the roundup post with all the text is here: https://www.tumblr.com/aspecs-positivity/721853063694041088/carnival-of-aros-june-2023-roundup-post
I’m starting off my text with a lighthearted version of the song ”Material Girl” by Madonna since I listened to it when I got the ideas for the text. Being aromantic I’ve always re-interpreted song lyrics to be about something else since songs so often are about romance, so often when I write my blog to express myself from the aromantic perspective I’ve got a song as an inspiration. I’m sure you know to find the original song if you’d like to listen to it while reading.
In an Allonormative World
Kissed no boys No girls, either Couldn’t raise my interest so I had to let them be ”I’ll just deal with that later”, I thought and walked away Didn’t reflect on it that much how differnet I was from other teens When everyone was experiencing those strong feelings of attraction I had other things on my mind than spend my time pining after some ”Mr Right” Wasn’t aware of it back then but I was living in an allonormative world and I was an aromantic girl
So many norms on how a woman should act, look, behave and do with her lifetime After years of feeling broken, inexperienced and confused I’m so grateful I found out about both aromanticism and asexuality Growing stronger everyday I’m learning I do have a valid perspective and I’m finding my voice I’m an aromantic woman trying to learn how to take her place in this allonormative world
The aromantic flag has shades of green, white, grey and black. I love those colors and how I can see them in nature every day. The colors have always been there surrounding me but after finding out I’m aromantic they’ve got a whole new meaning to me. Now when I take my walks on the countryside where I live and see the green fields, white sky, grey stones and black soil I always think of how I’m in a period of my life that is all about healing. Healing from expectations on life that I couldn’t live up to and from years of thinking there was something wrong with me. Learning about the identities asexual and aromantic was a very overwhelming experience because it meant that I had to re-interpret my whole life but it also made me feel stronger and more genuine than before. I realised I did have experiences and a valid perspective on life and that is why I started this blog, so find a way of expressing myself about things I didn’t really think I was able to say something about before. I was 37 years old when I found out I’m aroace. Of course did express myself before that, but still, there is a big difference. Before I didn’t have peace with either my sexual or romantic orientation and I’m still a work in progess and I guess I’ll always be but… I really found inspiration on writing about this experience and it’s been an empowering experience, especially when I’ve got comments on my text from people who can relate to them.
When I’m now going to write this text on the topic ”Being aromantic in an allonormative world” I find it to be so broad that it’s difficult to know where to start. There’s an expression in Swedish that goes like this: ”I can’t see the forest because of all the trees!” The meaning of that saying is that something can be so obvious that it’s hard to realise. It’s like that for me with aromanticism. In my earlier years I struggled so much trying to understand my sexuality, why I didn’t feel attracted that way to anyone even though I did experience libido. When I head about asexuality I never thought that could be me, because of those feelings and fantasies that I had, but reading about it I come to understand that of course I am. It did took me some time to think about it, though, before I could accept it. With aromanticism it was different. Instantly when I saw the word and the defintion I bursted out ”But that’s me! Is there a word for someone like me?!” Being aromantic is so natural for me. It just is. My true nature. There’s a song by Zedd & Kehlani called ”Good Thing” where there’s this line that says ” …romance, it’s not in my bones…”
As a teen I wasn’t interested in boys at all. Not girls, either, but because of heteronormativity it didn’t cross my mind, it wasn’t until I was a grown up that I realised that didn’t have any romantic feelings for my own gender. I never had any posters of boybands or any other celebrites on my walls. I never participated in the conversations my friends had about crushes. Instead, I’ve always been the constant listener. I remember so clearly when I was 16 or 17 and the other girls in my class talked about wanting to have someone ”to take good care of you”. I was so confused and annoyed with that. ”They’re supposed to be independent women and manage to take care of themselves”, I thought to myself. Of course they did want to become idenpendent. Was I didn’t understand was the romantic concept.
When I was in my twenties I was active in a volunteer project in my church. We were six young adults who did volunteer work in small local churches which meant that we were working all the time and also lived together very close to each other inside the church building (it was a crazy time). When doing the volunteer work there was a rule that we weren’t supposed to start romantic relationships, because this time was to be dedicated to God and nothing else. That didn’t stop people from falling for each other and for every couple who had to admit their love for each other to the leaders I remember feeling confused because I thought ”Why can’t they just wait?” Of course I did understand that it’s not that easy when it comes to attraction. I just felt so different because I never experienced any of that kind. It was something that seemed to be happening for everyone but me. I remember once when my friend, who had a problem of falling in love with people very easily and felt the need of set up standards for herself asked me: ”Elin, what are your standards when it comes to your future husband?” She got annoyed when I gave her my answer: ”My only thing is that I like him”, because for her it was a given thing. But it wasn’t for me. That was the first thing I could think of because it was bothering me that it never happened to me. I never liked anyone that way.
Through my young years this didn’t bother me much, really. I thought I would eventually meet someone to fall in love with. I wasn’t worried and was more focused on my career and other life plans. But when I became 35 and older it really started to affect my mental health. It felt like my heart was dysfuntional, but I couldn’t understand why because I didn’t have a problem to feel love for others in other ways. It was just the romantic feelings that never happened. And when I thought of trying to date I always felt so awkward, like I was going to have to push myself into something that wasn’t natural for me.
When I learnt about aromantic being a valid orientation and that there were others like me I felt so relieved! There are challenges in the future and I’m aware that I have to learn to think in new ways around relationships, building a home and what makes a life meaningful. It really isn’t easy! This year I’m turning 40 and there are so many unspoken norms in this allonormative society about what you should’ve achieved at this point in your life. I’m working really hard trying to re-interpret my past and also to find hope for the future. But it helps a lot to have connected with other asexual and aromantic people to know that I’m not alone on this journey!
I’ve done a lot of thinking lately about the experience of being an aromantic cis-woman. There are so many norms about how a woman should be, how we should act and look like, priorities we’re expected to make in our lives – yes, the list could go on forever. A lot of these norms are connected to sexuality and especially romance. For example, it’s scary when you think about that a woman’s value even today is so connected with if she’s considered to be attractive enough. That is something that always has made me feel so uncomfortable. But all since I understood I’m aroace I’ve noticed that I’ve found more confidence in strenght within myself knowing that I don’t have to make myself attractive for anyone else. It’s enough that I feel good about how I look and my body and my appearance is for nobody else but myself.
Being aromantic really affects everything – self confidence, plans for the future, relationships… so there are so much more that could be written about in this text but I’ll stop there so it won’t be too long. It will be exciting to read what other aros have written on this topic. I wish for more awareness about the aromantic identity in our allonormative world so it won’t be taken for granted all the time that romantic love is something that everybody experiences as central to their existence. If there’s more visibility and awareness out there it would be easier for other aromantic girls and people of all genders and they wouldn’t have to feel so confused and alone as I did growing up.
We need more aromantic pride and representation in this allonormative world!
I walked in a Pride parade in a small town called Eskilstuna in 2022. It was my first time to walk in a parade and before the year of 2021 when I started identifying as aroace I never thought I’d be there representing an identity of my own.
Other texts written in English you can find if you click on the tag “english” in the cloud below.
The call of the Hawaiian bird Kauai Oo is mesmerizing and beautiful. It’s not like any other bird I’ve heard before. I play the YouTube video with the sound over and over again. While listening, though, my heart begins to ache because I know it’s not possible to hear this call in the wild. And because I know what is missing.
This bird was considered extinct in 1987. The wildlife in Hawaii has been devastated by Western colonization and there aren’t many of its native species left. The last recording of the kauai oo was made by ornithologist Jim Jacobi in 1986 and it’s actually supposed to be a duet. The bird’s song has quiet pauses here and there and that’s where its mate was supposed to answer.
When you know what’s missing, that the bird is waiting for an answer that never can come, it’s impossible to ignore it while listening. The silence, the void, becomes loud and overpowering. And heartbreaking.
Another void has recently started to become overpowering for me. I didn’t notice it before because I lacked awareness myself. Now when I know about it I can’t unsee it and I can’t feel patient about it or tolerate it. I have to raise my voice so more people will become aware so hopefully we can somehow do something about it. I don’t know how, though, but let me take some time and write this text about it at least. I have to express my frustration somehow! So I’ve sat down with my laptop to try to write something about the void of asexual awareness.
I was 37 when I first read about asexuality and found a word that described my sexuality. Before that, I didn’t know it existed and I’ve spent most of my life in shame of my own experiences and feelings or lack thereof as I was used to think. I also found out that a community of other asexual people existed all over the world! It was so emotional and overwhelming for me to be able to connect with others and finally talk about sex, romance, relationships, feelings and the experience of being different with others that I could relate to. All these years I had mostly been in silence, listening to friends talking about both their love and sex lives, thinking that I didn’t have anything to contribute to the conversation since I hadn’t felt any attraction that way. That doesn’t mean that the inside was a total void. I had a lot of strong feelings that I couldn’t understand and now when getting in touch with other aces both from different countries and in Sweden I realised that there was nothing wrong with me and I wasn’t alone. All this happened a couple of years ago and now when thinking back on that and on my years as a teen and a young adult I can’t help but to think: How does it affect a human person to not being able to talk to others about these things with anyone until they’re in their late 30s? I’ve certainly grown into respecting myself more, even though I a lot of the time just feel like an emotional wreck. Coming to realise that you’re ace, coming out as ace – these are things that really takes a lot of strenght and that’s why I’ve also come to respect all other asexual people out there SO so much.
To come out as ace takes a lot of strenght. First of all you have to get educated yourself. A lot of asexual people come to understand they’re oriented this way late in life because of the lack of awareness and representation. And then if you decide to come out and be open about it (which you of course don’t need to if you don’t want to) it also takes a lot of strenght because of all the misconceptions out there. Asexuals get excluded, misunderstood and gaslighted when they’re being told that their struggles aren’t such a big deal. But it is a big deal. We live in a world that is extremely sexualized and where the majority of people do experience sexual attraction. We also live in a world where asexuality isn’t considered a valid sexual orientation. Many asexual people don’t feel safe enough to come out even in LGBTQI+ friendly spaces.
When I’ve learnt about this I just can’t unlearn it. And I can’t unhear all the stories I’ve heard from both adults and young people who have been medicalized, told that their orientation is unnatural, been ridiculed and excluded and who have spent so many years of their life feeling invisible, broken and dysfunctional on the inside. It breaks my heart because I can see myself in their stories.
It also breaks my heart when I see the void. The lack of awareness of asexuality. (I don’t mention aromanticism in this text just because I wanted to narrow it down a little but of course – the lack of awareness of aromanticism is even bigger…) This weekend I’ve spent some time listening to a Swedish pocast about sexuality because I wanted to listen to their episodes when they talk about the situation for LGBTQI+ people in the christian churches here in Sweden. (I’m a member of an association in Sweden for LGBTQI+ christians and allies and I guess I’ve had a dream for some time to finally be active and do something to help make a change.)
The podcast is actually great. They talk about the importance of representation among the leadership. They talk about how it affects people to be indoctrinated with shame for their identities, They talk about heteronormativity and minority stress. They talk about the heavy burden of being have to explain their identities to everyone all the time… But there’s always one perspective that isn’t mentioned.
When having an emotional reaction to this I also try to reason with myself: I can’t expect them to know about asexuality! I didn’t know about it myself since a couple of years back. It’s not well represented and talked about. They can’t cover everything… Being asexual is too complicated for them….
And at the same time I just can’t ignore it. I actually think it’s impossible for me now when I’ve become aware of it myself. As my heart breaks when listening to the call of the kauai oo because I know there’s supposed to be a mate’s voice answering I simply can’t accept anymore to listen to talks about the diveristy of the human sexuality without the asexual perspective being mentioned.
I think a lot about young people and the person I was when I was young. How I had been in need of help of understanding my own sexuality. That there wasn’t something wrong with me. That I didn’t need to feel ashamed. That I could have been a part of a supporting community.
Of course the situation for asexuals is way more hopeful, though, than for the kauai oo. We will actually never be able to listen to this amazing bird’s call the way it was supposed to be. That’s the harsh truth of the extinction of species caused by human stupidity. But we are able to listen to the call of human diversity, if we are willing to listen carefully.
When I started to get in touch with other aces I stopped feeling like that lonely bird with a song that didn’t seem to match anyone else’s. I started to dare to express myself like I do with this blog and in other ways and I was so amazed to notice that when reaching out, sharing things myself and creating safe spaces to meet and discuss there were others who also dares to put their experiences into words.
Unlike the kauai oo birds we asexuals do exist and we make our voices heard! We’re here. We’re queer. We’re loud. We’re the voices from the void.
The Aromantic Perspective 