It’s some time since I heard about the Carnival of Aros where aromantic bloggers write about a theme every month, and I’ve been wanting to participate ever since but haven’t until now. I think it’s partly because English is not my native language so I’ve been feeling a bit insecure (you’ll have to keep that in mind if you find some weird grammar or something) and also because I’ve had an idea that there needs to be written about aromanticism in Swedish. But now I feel I’m willing to try! And I’ve written this text with reflections on the topic ”Being aromantic in an allonormative world”. This month is hosted by aspecs-positivity and the link to the roundup post with all the text is here: https://www.tumblr.com/aspecs-positivity/721853063694041088/carnival-of-aros-june-2023-roundup-post
I’m starting off my text with a lighthearted version of the song ”Material Girl” by Madonna since I listened to it when I got the ideas for the text. Being aromantic I’ve always re-interpreted song lyrics to be about something else since songs so often are about romance, so often when I write my blog to express myself from the aromantic perspective I’ve got a song as an inspiration. I’m sure you know to find the original song if you’d like to listen to it while reading.
In an Allonormative World
Kissed no boys
No girls, either
Couldn’t raise my interest
so I had to let them be
”I’ll just deal with that later”,
I thought and walked away
Didn’t reflect on it that much
how differnet I was from other teens
When everyone was experiencing
those strong feelings of attraction
I had other things on my mind
than spend my time pining
after some ”Mr Right”
Wasn’t aware of it back then
but I was living in an allonormative world
and I was an aromantic girl
So many norms on
how a woman
should act, look, behave
and do with her lifetime
After years of feeling broken,
inexperienced and confused
I’m so grateful I found out
about both aromanticism and asexuality
Growing stronger everyday
I’m learning I do have
a valid perspective
and I’m finding my voice
I’m an aromantic woman
trying to learn how to
take her place
in this allonormative world
The aromantic flag has shades of green, white, grey and black. I love those colors and how I can see them in nature every day. The colors have always been there surrounding me but after finding out I’m aromantic they’ve got a whole new meaning to me. Now when I take my walks on the countryside where I live and see the green fields, white sky, grey stones and black soil I always think of how I’m in a period of my life that is all about healing. Healing from expectations on life that I couldn’t live up to and from years of thinking there was something wrong with me. Learning about the identities asexual and aromantic was a very overwhelming experience because it meant that I had to re-interpret my whole life but it also made me feel stronger and more genuine than before. I realised I did have experiences and a valid perspective on life and that is why I started this blog, so find a way of expressing myself about things I didn’t really think I was able to say something about before. I was 37 years old when I found out I’m aroace. Of course did express myself before that, but still, there is a big difference. Before I didn’t have peace with either my sexual or romantic orientation and I’m still a work in progess and I guess I’ll always be but… I really found inspiration on writing about this experience and it’s been an empowering experience, especially when I’ve got comments on my text from people who can relate to them.
When I’m now going to write this text on the topic ”Being aromantic in an allonormative world” I find it to be so broad that it’s difficult to know where to start. There’s an expression in Swedish that goes like this: ”I can’t see the forest because of all the trees!” The meaning of that saying is that something can be so obvious that it’s hard to realise. It’s like that for me with aromanticism. In my earlier years I struggled so much trying to understand my sexuality, why I didn’t feel attracted that way to anyone even though I did experience libido. When I head about asexuality I never thought that could be me, because of those feelings and fantasies that I had, but reading about it I come to understand that of course I am. It did took me some time to think about it, though, before I could accept it. With aromanticism it was different. Instantly when I saw the word and the defintion I bursted out ”But that’s me! Is there a word for someone like me?!” Being aromantic is so natural for me. It just is. My true nature. There’s a song by Zedd & Kehlani called ”Good Thing” where there’s this line that says ” …romance, it’s not in my bones…”
As a teen I wasn’t interested in boys at all. Not girls, either, but because of heteronormativity it didn’t cross my mind, it wasn’t until I was a grown up that I realised that didn’t have any romantic feelings for my own gender. I never had any posters of boybands or any other celebrites on my walls. I never participated in the conversations my friends had about crushes. Instead, I’ve always been the constant listener. I remember so clearly when I was 16 or 17 and the other girls in my class talked about wanting to have someone ”to take good care of you”. I was so confused and annoyed with that. ”They’re supposed to be independent women and manage to take care of themselves”, I thought to myself. Of course they did want to become idenpendent. Was I didn’t understand was the romantic concept.
When I was in my twenties I was active in a volunteer project in my church. We were six young adults who did volunteer work in small local churches which meant that we were working all the time and also lived together very close to each other inside the church building (it was a crazy time). When doing the volunteer work there was a rule that we weren’t supposed to start romantic relationships, because this time was to be dedicated to God and nothing else. That didn’t stop people from falling for each other and for every couple who had to admit their love for each other to the leaders I remember feeling confused because I thought ”Why can’t they just wait?” Of course I did understand that it’s not that easy when it comes to attraction. I just felt so different because I never experienced any of that kind. It was something that seemed to be happening for everyone but me. I remember once when my friend, who had a problem of falling in love with people very easily and felt the need of set up standards for herself asked me: ”Elin, what are your standards when it comes to your future husband?” She got annoyed when I gave her my answer: ”My only thing is that I like him”, because for her it was a given thing. But it wasn’t for me. That was the first thing I could think of because it was bothering me that it never happened to me. I never liked anyone that way.
Through my young years this didn’t bother me much, really. I thought I would eventually meet someone to fall in love with. I wasn’t worried and was more focused on my career and other life plans. But when I became 35 and older it really started to affect my mental health. It felt like my heart was dysfuntional, but I couldn’t understand why because I didn’t have a problem to feel love for others in other ways. It was just the romantic feelings that never happened. And when I thought of trying to date I always felt so awkward, like I was going to have to push myself into something that wasn’t natural for me.
When I learnt about aromantic being a valid orientation and that there were others like me I felt so relieved! There are challenges in the future and I’m aware that I have to learn to think in new ways around relationships, building a home and what makes a life meaningful. It really isn’t easy! This year I’m turning 40 and there are so many unspoken norms in this allonormative society about what you should’ve achieved at this point in your life. I’m working really hard trying to re-interpret my past and also to find hope for the future. But it helps a lot to have connected with other asexual and aromantic people to know that I’m not alone on this journey!
I’ve done a lot of thinking lately about the experience of being an aromantic cis-woman. There are so many norms about how a woman should be, how we should act and look like, priorities we’re expected to make in our lives – yes, the list could go on forever. A lot of these norms are connected to sexuality and especially romance. For example, it’s scary when you think about that a woman’s value even today is so connected with if she’s considered to be attractive enough. That is something that always has made me feel so uncomfortable. But all since I understood I’m aroace I’ve noticed that I’ve found more confidence in strenght within myself knowing that I don’t have to make myself attractive for anyone else. It’s enough that I feel good about how I look and my body and my appearance is for nobody else but myself.
Being aromantic really affects everything – self confidence, plans for the future, relationships… so there are so much more that could be written about in this text but I’ll stop there so it won’t be too long. It will be exciting to read what other aros have written on this topic. I wish for more awareness about the aromantic identity in our allonormative world so it won’t be taken for granted all the time that romantic love is something that everybody experiences as central to their existence. If there’s more visibility and awareness out there it would be easier for other aromantic girls and people of all genders and they wouldn’t have to feel so confused and alone as I did growing up.
We need more aromantic pride and representation in this allonormative world!
Other texts written in English you can find if you click on the tag “english” in the cloud below.
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The Aromantic Perspective 